Wednesday, 31 October 2012

When in doubt....

As many people are aware, after being quite poorly the past few months, two weeks ago my mum was admitted into hospital as an emergency case to undergo major surgery to remove a large section of her bowel and a huge abscess that had formed in her lower abdomen which was causing her much pain and poorliness.
Whilst we had been praying for answers and developments regarding her health, it was quite a shock to receive the news on that Tuesday afternoon that she would be having such an invasive operation a couple of days later. In a way I guess it's sometimes easier to deal with suddenly's as opposed to big build ups which can drain you as you tick off the days...we agreed as a family that we had all been praying for Gods perfect plan and timing and so had to trust this was the right time for my mum to have the procedure done.

I consider myself a pretty strong rooted believer. I'm not ashamed of my faith and have never really faced any prejudice because I'm a born again Christian. I'm definitely a big believer in prayer and gathering trusted friends in times when I feel only prayer can and will make an impact.
But, if I'm fully honest when I heard my mum would be admitted into hospital and learnt more about the procedure, the risks and maybes that could come up during surgery, the recovery time and the potential impact on her life, I kind of had abit of an emotional meltdown.
Thank God when I initially heard the news I was with two good friends who were just amazing in comforting me and distracting the children from mummy being upset.
Thank God for my husband who took over and let me be...before giving me a light kick up the bum about the fact I am a believer and needed to root myself in God's word!
And, lastly, thank God for the many many friends who sent messages, stood with us in prayer, and sent little cards & yummy treats ;-)

These friends and family members stayed encouraging and loving throughout the whole couple of weeks my mum was in hospital, and many are still alongside us now my mums home and in the second stage of her recovery.

How I've personally coped mentally and emotionally during this time has been like a yo-yo. Loving God, trusting God deep in my heart, but also full of fear and doubt at times that all would be well. Especially when my mum developed an infection a few days post surgery. Her health deteriorated rapidly over a few hours and we were told to remain available during the night so if the hospital felt we should go in to be with her, they could contact us easily. I honestly thought my mum was going to die that night. I was scared, I reverted back to feeling like a vulnerable little child and just wanted this all to go away-to be small and sitting on my mums knee for bedtime stories and I felt God had forgotten us and wasn't watching over my mum. I allowed others to pray, but I couldn't really bring myself to. Words just evaporated into tears and I felt exhausted. I trusted Gods plan...but I knew His plan could be for my mum to go home to her saviour. As much as this gives me peace at other times, that night, I felt selfish and wanted her to myself.

My mum thankfully did respond well to the many drugs the doctors blasted her with and the infection eased over the following couple of days... Obviously we were so thankful and grateful and praised God who we know broke into the situation, but I did feel guilty towards God for doubting Him...not fully turning to Him in my time of hurting.
I wondered if He was cross with me, if this somehow had damaged my relationship with Him. And then I was reminded of a story in the bible found in Mark chapter 9, verses 14-29.
The story is of a man who brings his son, possessed by an evil spirit to Jesus to be delivered and healed. The man claims he believes but is still unsure of if Jesus can or will help him and his child. He says to Jesus in verse 22 "If you can do one thing, take pity on us and help us!" Jesus responds, "IF I can? Anything is possible for those who believe!" The father exclaims, "Lord, I do believe, help me with my disbelief!" And Jesus heals his son.
Jesus didn't get angry with the scared father in front of him, he didn't rebuke him or neglect his son...instead he gently reminded the father of his faith...what his faith meant...and what Jesus was able to do for those who rely purely on Him.

It was a refreshing revelation to me to read these verses, understand the meaning and message behind them and have that peaceful reassurance that God fully knows me...He created me...He loves me....and He knows that my mum means so much to me...He understands why I was scared and upset. The love I have for her, is nothing compared to how He feels about this precious lady.

I've learnt alot during this testing time...I'm sure I've had this test many times before...and I'm pretty certain at some other stage in life I will go through this test again. I know I'm not perfect...I know I love Jesus so much,  I know He loves me....but I also know that at times life gets and will continue to get overwhelming. Again, I tell myself..."Stace, don't put God in your little box. Don't think He can only do certain things at certain times...know that He can, does and will far exceed your hopes and expectations."

I'd like to encourage you with this message too. I may not know your circumstance. I may not have all the answers to the worlds problems. But I love a God who does. Whilst I don't always understand His ways...His plans...His timing...I know that like the man and child in the story above, He just wants to change our situations for the good. He wants us to stay rooted in His love, His word, His ways...but He is so gracious and compassionate, that if we fail to keep our eyes on Him throughout every second of our ordeal...He remains rooted in bringing hope and joy to us.

I'm so thankful. I'm humbled. I'm relieved. I'm grateful. I'm stronger than I was a week ago. I'm still learning. I'm not afraid to be honest. I'm imperfect. I'm blessed to be a blessing. I'm a believer in Jesus Christ. 
He believes in me!
HEY! He believes in YOU!

Lord God, we thank you that you know us so well. That you know the smallest detail about us including the numbers of hairs on our heads and this matters to you...we matter to you. I pray Father that you would you humble us to your teachings, your word, your love for each one of us. That you would help us Lord to overcome our times of dis-belief. That you would strengthen us and guide us to stay rooted in your word and promises of being a God who can do all things for those who love Him. I pray for miraculous breakthrough in our circumstances that would glorify your name and I ask father that you bring comfort and peace to all who read this pray. Thank you Jesus, Amen!

Be Blessed :-)

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