Monday, 10 February 2014

Some people don't appreciate blog posts that kind of spew out what the writer is going through at that moment in time. They label it as attention seeking spewing that doesn't amount to much good.
Well I'm not some people, and today I'm going to spew...with the hope and belief that by the end of this rambling you and I would both have a fresh sense of identifying ourselves!

I've been in my job for 11 years now...well actually if you count the initial 35 weeks probationary period, it's 11 years, 8 months. It's been a role that has seen me grow as a person, expand my work team, learn many new skills, experience every emotion possibly known to mankind and allowed me to have the pleasure of encountering many many different people along the way. 

My job has been being a full time mummy to my 5 beautiful children. 

Now I've wrote that last sentence I feel obliged to justify myself in why able-bodied, mostly intelligent, sociable young female chose to spend the whole decade of my twenties and the intro of my thirties birthing and raising so many hobbits. I could go into much detail of how over these years I've always cooked fresh food, kept my house clean, studied and graduated with a 2:1 in English, served throughout in church ministry...but I won't...I've touched on them enough to know I've made you understand I haven't sat on my jacksie for 11 years watching Jeremy Kyle repeats, but in full honesty it's no ones business what I've been doing. I look at my children and I know I chose the right career for that duration of time....

...But now...well now the roles changing slightly...I find my work team in a new phase of life and it has left me questioning who I am. You see, our daughter is 2 and a half now and by this stage of our four boys lives, I either was just about to give birth to another baby or had a 6 month old chewing fists of my hair. 
Whilst I'm still in the role of stay at home mummy, it's all looking slightly different to what I've known for so long. My children of course still need me...but as they get older, they need you in a totally different way to those baby years...the baby and small toddler phase is so short lived, yet so full on...and the needs are constant when it comes to play, feeding, changing, training, teaching all the little basic life skills...whereas the emotional needs of older children really comes into force once they reach school age. 
I'm feeling ever so slightly lost in my work place as I adapt and (although we had the conversation after number 3 son!!!) fully absorb that my baby days are over. Some people celebrate that fact, but for me...well I've had to grieve it and accept it. Yes, I know I have five little people and oh my goodness, of course I feel so blessed and grateful that we fell pregnant so easily with them all and they are all healthy, but there is a little voice that has whispered "Stace, you're good at making babies and raising them. Stick to what you're good at..."
The voice of not quite knowing what happens next...where I go when our daughter starts full time nursery in September and what a different work place will look like. 
Whilst I will always be a mummy first, whilst I will never work in paid work full time whilst my children are young, I do want to enter the outside work world and offer my skills and character to an organisation. When you've been mixing with mummy friends and little people for a decade, believe me, that feels exciting but also a tad overwhelming. 

I'm going through a stage of having to find what Stacey really looks like. When I look in the mirror, who this 32 year old without children, without my husband, without my friends, without the washing basket attached to the hip and recipe book under the arm, really looks like. I'm realising my identity as me...I'm gaining confidence to enter a place as Stacey and not as mummy - although I know "mummy" does define so much of who I am - I know God has put so much more in me too. 
When I think of the bible - whilst my 'Proverbs 31 wife' days are far from over, I feel the Esther side of my personality dribbling out more and more. Esther was brave, Esther allowed God to prepare her for the next step, Esther knew and embraced Gods favour - she trusted Gods timing of the seasons in her life were perfect and ultimately Esther didn't allow her past years to hinder or determine her future ones. I'm drawing close to the example of Esther and I'm allowing her story to encourage me as I find myself in this new season of my life. 

Some days I find it scary.
Some days I don't feel good enough.
Some days I have a cry.
Some days I feel lost.

But those are just some days.

Other days I meditate in Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to not harm you, but to prosper you, to give you a hope and a future!"
Other days I stand confident in my abilities.
Other days I feel secure in my surroundings.
Other days I know I'm made to be a world changer.

Other days are the days I cling on to knowing my identity rests firmly in the hands of the One who loved me then, loves me now and will love me eternally. 
My true identity doesn't lie in what I've achieved, what I've experienced along the way, what I've spent the past 11 years....32 years doing with my identity is so much more than that. And yours is too. 
So often we fall for the lie we are nothing without everything physical around us. 
In fact we are everything without the physical. 
Because God is about the Spiritual...and when we know who we are in Him, well that naturally leads us into being who we need to be here. 

I'm trying my best to hold onto that.

So for now, I end this post and I'm going back to that looks like: making a lasagne for tonight's supper, hoovering the house and then taking my 2 year old for a walk down the lane next to our home to feed the horses before doing the multiple school run. My late afternoon will be a whirlwind of homeworks, sibling squabbles and bedtime stories. Throw in a cuppa or two and this all suits me just fine. I know it doesn't sound much, but this is Gods season for me and I embrace it...knowing that in a just a few months time...the season will shift...

....but my true identity wouldn't have...!

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