I've cried an ocean of tears this past few weeks.
I knew if I dared let down that barrier of "strength" I've perfected building, what would cascade would be very similar to that of a dam broken...the tears have flowed, sometimes at times when I'd wished they hadn't - mainly through fear of being judged, mocked, doubted and questioned.
Thankfully for me, when the Holy Spirit needs to do His thing, my little barrier doesn't stand a chance.
My first encounter happened whilst at a women's conference run by Hillsong Church in Wembley 3 weeks ago. Upon hearing a powerful personal story from a lady called Lisa Bevere I knew God wanted to take my burdens and start erasing, healing and moving me closer to my destiny. I knew it. And I had no choice but to surrender and let whatever needed to take place, take place.
I was so incredibly blessed to have some amazing women around me who listened, loved, cried with me and offered me their wisdom, expertise and friendship.
I came away from that conference experience knowing God had only just started a new works in me. It wasn't over just because the conference was...
Despite having many a tearful moment since the conference, today has held another significant moment in my healing journey. A simple yet powerful word at church led me to doing something I rarely feel the need to do - stepping away from my seat to the front of the auditorium to receive prayer.
I felt so nervous taking those few fragile steps, but three beautiful women soon gathered around me and whispered prayers and words of encouragement so sweet to my spirit that I once again became a sobbing wreck. You know when someone's the real deal when they don't flinch at you crying, sweating and snotting all over them. When they instead draw you in tighter, stroke your hair and encourage you to let the tears come because they love with the heart of a mother and friend and know what you need right there in that instance. Because they understand tears of pain must flow, so tears of joy may take their place...
When the words they speak into you feel like the very heart of God in your circumstance...wow...it was a pretty amazing experience for me.
And the tears have continued flowing throughout today. Only now they're flowing through a fresh perspective of knowing what I need and whom I need to keep my eyes fixed on in order to continually receive it.
And now, right in this moment...here I am typing this post, sharing my vulnerable heart with you my reader listening to the CD that was there - right back in the beginning of my spiritual journey 12 years ago. The first Christian CD I ever bought and listened too. Because sometimes - you HAVE to go right back to the very beginning in order to appreciate just how far you've travelled on a journey.
These songs changed my life 12 years ago - it was through these songs I first encountered Jesus, I grew to love Him, I heard of His promises and Love for me. And whilst I've heard many many powerful and beautiful worship songs over the years - well these songs, I'd forgotten about them and how special they were to me. Hearing them this evening is part of the plan. Obedience of choosing this CD instead of tv...creating my Mary moment as I was encouraged earlier today to do - and the tears, they flow. But I'm not scared by them anymore. I'm not ashamed of them and I'm not scared to understand that this is what He needs to do in me.
I know He's telling me "Stace, listen...listen to these words and remember. Remember what I've done so far. Remember what I spoke into you then, and know what I'm speaking into you now."
He's amazing...and His love is honestly what keeps me going. I am in complete awe of His ways.
I can't imagine overcoming without Him.
And my word of encouragement to you reader, is to not be scared of allowing God do whatever it is He needs to do in order to take you closer to your destiny. You may not feel the need to cry, the Holy Spirit may work in your situation in a completely different way - that's totally cool, in fact it's exciting! Because that's the wonder of God isn't it - but whatever it is you've been building a barrier up against, please know - like me, it will only be a matter of time before He comes along and breaks in - He has to. Because if He didn't we would literally self destruct. He knows that, even if we can't see it for ourselves.
Bless you! xx